so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
