If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
