Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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