i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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