as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
