his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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