the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
How does one acquire holy water?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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