I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Randomize
