Will you blow on my dice?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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