All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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