I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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