the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
