I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
