So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
