i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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