hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
