My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
