i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
