The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
