my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
