Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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