true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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