Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
