i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
