I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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