even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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