The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
