i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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