Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
