sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
