she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
