Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
