I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
