im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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