Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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