matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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