I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Randomize
