There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
