Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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