i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
