Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Is it penis luge time yet?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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