Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
