I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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