this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
