Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
