I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
