fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
