i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
