There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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