i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
