Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
ttyl tear gas
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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